Deities, Devils, and Doing the Dirty/Transcript
The following is the transcript for Deities, Devils, and Doing the Dirty, of DragonBall Z Abridged. Transcript LANIPATOR: Hey there, everyone! I'm Lanipator. We here at Team Four Star have always promoted supporting the official release. It's the best way to make sure we'll be able to continue to enjoy all the great shows we know and love. And thanks to our friends over at Crunchyroll, supporting the official release has never been easier. Through Cruncyroll, you can stream episodes of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Drifters, Keijo, and, yes, DragonBall Super, just hours after they air over in the Land of the Rising Sun. So head on over to Crunchyroll.com/teamfourstar now to begin your free trial, because, as we've said at the beginning of every episode... DISCLAIMER GOHAN: (with bed rocking noises are heard) The following is a...fan-based parody. Uh, DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and, uh, DragonBall GT...are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and, uh, Akira Toriyama. Please support the...official release. *sighs* (cut to Goku and Krillin near a lake) KRILLIN: Man, it feels like years since you and I just went fishing and chilled out. And, of all times, right before a tournament to decide the fate of the world. Weird how stuff works out, am I right? GOKU: Nobody knows, Krillin. KRILLIN: Huh? GOKU: Nobody knows the weight on my shoulders. I feel it, every day. Before I go to bed, when I wake up in the morning... Sometimes, I wonder... "Can I do this?" KRILLIN: Wow, I, uh, I had no idea this Cell stuff was getting to you so badly. GOKU: Cell stuff? I'm talkin' about Chi-Chi. KRILLIN: Chi-Chi? GOKU: She's been non-stop! Ever since I got out of the chamber, in and out, day in and day out! She'll send Gohan for groceries five counties over in the middle of the day just to get him out of the house! KRILLIN: You know you can say no, right? GOKU: Well, duh! But it's a challenge, Krillin! And I never back down from a challenge! Also, it feels really good! Have you ever tried it? KRILLIN: Like...with a real person? GOHAN: Hey, Dad? Mom sent me to tell you to come home. She also told me to pick up a lot of peanut butter..? GOKU: Krillin? KRILLIN: Look, if you're asking me to tag in, I'm willing, but-- GOKU: What? NO! Catch more fish while I'm gone! KRILLIN: Oh, duh! Of course! Like, that'd never work... GOKU: Yeah, no! It-- (stop and pauses) But if you had a wig... SEQUENCE (cut to Yamcha, Gohan, and Krillin inside Kame House watching TV) PRESS RELEASE ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing your World Martial Arts Champion, the strongest man on the planet, Mr. Satan! (Mr. Satan walks up on the balcony as the crowd cheers) YAMCHA: Wait, Martial Arts Champion? I-- Did we miss a tournament? MASTER ROSHI: Yeah.. there was one last month. KRILLIN: Damn it, we were busy training for the Androids! MASTER ROSHI: What do either of you care? KRILLIN & YAMCHA: Prize money. PRESS RELEASE ANNOUNCER: Mr. Satan, what do you have to say to your opponent? MR. SATAN: Now you listen here, Cell... I know why you gave everyone a week to prepare for your little tournament! It's so you could spend the last seven days on Earth prayin' that MR. SATAN wouldn't show up! (the crowd cheers) So, after I eat my Jimmy Johns, and drink my Hetap, and F**K MY HOT ASIAN WIFE...I'm gonna squash you. Like the bug you are. PRESS RELEASE ANNOUNCER: Mr. Satan, everybody! YAMCHA: So, do they know what's going on with his name, or...? CROWD: Hail Satan! Hail Satan! Hail Satan! Hail Satan! YAMCHA: Okay, yeah, they know. GOKU: (pops in) Guys, I need help with my hot Asian wife! CHI-CHI: (walks up to Goku) Who told you, you could leave the bedroom?! (grabs him by the collar) GOKU: ...Guys, don't tell her I'm here...! (cut to Perfect Cell standing in the middle of his ring with a TV crew approaching him) REPORTER: This is bullshit, man... This is suicide! CAMERAMAN: Dude, pull your balls out of your purse, and do your job. REPORTER: Okay, that's sexist as hell! CAMERAMAN: Yeah. It's sexist. And do you know what's standing out there? A Pulitzer! Now go get it! (the reporter lifts his microphone up to Perfect Cell) REPORTER: U-um, um... Hello! PERFECT CELL: (opens his eyes and looks at the reporter) Hello, there! (turns his head around to face the reporter) How may I help you? REPORTER: W-well, M-Mr. Cell... PERFECT CELL: Oh, please now, don't be so formal! Call me Perfect Cell! REPORTER: Uh, okay. Perfect Cell-- PERFECT CELL: Mr. Perfect Cell! REPORTER: M-M-Mr. Perfect Cell! Can you tell the audience where you are and who you came from? Uh, I-I mean-- PERFECT CELL: No, actually, an apt choice of words! As for the where, this is the immaculate Cell Games arena! As for who, well, *laughs* let me weave you the tale of my origin! Though, I must preface that it does drag on in places, so I'll try to minimize the filler. Now...our story begins as many stories often do... With a young girl shooting a little boy in the face.. (cut to inside Goku's house with Goku yawning) KRILLIN: You, uh, okay, buddy? You look exhausted. GOKU: Uh-huh. I didn't get a wink last night! Chi-Chi keeps trying to break my record of nine times! "Go for ten," she yells. "GO FOR TEN!!" KRILLIN: I feel like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown. GOKU: Well, you know what they say... A Saiyan gets stronger every time he comes... (yawns again) ...back from the brink of death. KRILLIN: Well, where is she now? (cut to Chi-Chi in the other room looking thought a cabinet) GOKU: She's looking for something in the other room. CHI-CHI: (thinking) Come on, I know we had another bottle of it somewhere around here! I will use canola oil if I have--'' ''(gets hit in the head by a flying book) Ow! (out loud) Damn ghosts! (cut back to Goku and Krillin) KRILLIN: Then why don't you just...I don't know, strategically withdraw? GOKU: No can do! She said she needs all of it! KRILLIN: I meant just disappear for a little bit to recharge your...batteries. GOKU: Well, it is strategy... But we can't use the back door. Chi-Chi says I'm not allowed to anymore. (cut to Piccolo, Mr. Popo, and Trunks on the lookout) KAMI: (referring to Trunks) (...You should talk to him.) PICCOLO: (thinking) What? Why would I? NAIL: (Because you could both use more friends.) PICCOLO: (thinking) I am terrible at small talk. KAMI: (And you're never going to get better unless you try. Now, go on.) PICCOLO: So, uh... TRUNKS: Huh? PICCOLO: ...Do you hate your dad? TRUNKS: Uh... KAMI: (Wow... You were not wrong.) PICCOLO: (thinking) See?! TRUNKS: Eh, you know, I wouldn't say I hate him... I guess I'm mostly just disappointed. He's the single most frustrating man I've ever met! Heh, but you know dads, right? PICCOLO: Goku killed mine. TRUNKS: Oh! Jeez, uh, sorry, I... NAIL: (Oh, perfect! He's just as bad as you are!) (Goku pops in with Gohan and Krillin) GOKU: Please tell me nobody here wants a piece of me. TRUNKS: Uh, well, when dad's out of the chamber, he'll probably want a swing at you. GOKU: ...I knew it! GOHAN: Why did you bring us both along? GOKU: Because if your mother questioned you, you'd talk. GOHAN: Yeah, I would... KRILLIN: So, Piccolo, how was the Time Chamber? PICCOLO: I don't want to talk about it. KRILLIN: Yeah, probably not gonna bother going in myself. At this point, either you guys can beat Cell or you can't. No use risking my life without the reset button on hand! GOHAN: Wow! I hadn't even thought about that! We live in a world without DragonBalls now! TRUNKS: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah! That sounds terrible! I'm so sorry! GOHAN: It's alright! We'll manage! TRUNKS: ...I can't be mad at you. GOKU: I don't get it. Why can't you just make us some new DragonBalls, Piccolo? PICCOLO: Because, Goku, I'm from the Warrior Clan, Kami was from the Dragon Clan! One punches people, the other makes DragonBalls. GOHAN: Wait, but, you two come from the same perso-- PICCOLO: So, if you want DragonBalls, you need another Namekian. KRILLIN: What about New Namek? I bet there's a whole gaggle of Namekians who can make us a new set! PICCOLO: We'd have to find New Namek first, and who knows where that is? (Goku pops out) Also, "gaggle"? KRILLIN: Well, what would you call them? A pod of Namekians? A pride? PICCOLO: A cornucopia. What do you call a group of humans? MR. POPO: An infestation. PICCOLO: Point is, without a Namekian from the Dragon Clan, we aren't getting any DragonBal-- (Goku pops in with a terrified, squealing Dende) GOKU: Is this a Dragon-whatsit? DENDE: WHERE AM I?! WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE'S MY FAMILY?! (sees Gohan accompanied with some sexy music and immediately calms right down) Hey. (cut to Perfect Cell talking to the reporter about his origins) PERFECT CELL: And so it turns out, he was an alien the whole time! REPORTER: Whoa! I did not see that coming! PERFECT CELL: Right? So, two more Saiyans show up a year later-- REPORTER: Wait, what about Goku's brother? PERFECT CELL: Oh, he died. Anyway, enter Vegeta. Now, *laughs* strap yourself in for THIS cartoon character... (cut to inside Capsule Corp. laboratory with Dr. Briefs working on 16 and Bulma on the computer) BULMA: Hey, Dad? Can you come take a look at this? DR. BRIEFS: What is it, pumpkin? Find Gero's porn stash? BULMA: No! I mean, ugh, maybe? I found this hidden folder... It was completely inaccessible to him, and it's full of incomplete and corrupted files, but there's one undamaged video here... DR. BRIEFS: Well, then, open her up! Also, five thousand Zeni says it's interracial? BULMA: Ugh. DR. BRIEFS: Oh, now you find it gross! (Bulma opens the file and it shows a silhouetted man) ???: May 12th, 750, 4:30 P.M. Red Ribbon H.Q. BULMA: Wait, why does that date sound familiar? ???: Hey, Dad! I, uh, I'm here at headquarters, getting everything put away. No bunkmate, so, room to myself. Which is good for a guy my size... (laughs quietly) Well, uh, I just wanted to, you know, record something for you, since you and Uncle Frappe are busy building robot guys and stuff. I know you're calling them "artificial humans" now, but...that name is way too long. I mean, what about cyborg? Like from that movie we saw? Hmm. Well, uh, just wanted you to know that I, uh, miss you, Dad. (alarm sounds) What the..? SOLDIER: Hey! Get your ass moving! Some thing's tearing its way through the compound! We gotta go! GOKU: (faintly in background) KA ME HA ME... ???: Uh... Okay, sorry about this, Dad. Gotta run! Love you! Good luck with your cyborgs-- GOKU: (faintly in background) HA!! (the video cuts out and goes static) BULMA: (turns around and looks at 16) ...Jesus. DR. BRIEFS: Yeah, that's a hell of a bomb to drop. BULMA: Oh! That reminds me... I also found this. (brings up a new screen showing a bomb hidden in 16's chest) DR. BRIEFS: Huh... At least Gero was consistent. BULMA: ...By the way, you owe me five thousand Zeni. DR. BRIEFS: Ah, daughter of a bastard! (cut back to The Lookout) PICCOLO: And that's why we need you, Dende. DENDE: Okay, let me just clarify what has happened. (referring to Goku) That asshole... GOKU: (off-screen) Name's Goku! DENDE: ...literally kidnapped me from across the entire galaxy, with neither my knowledge or consent. Just so you could make me mystic you up a new set of DragonBalls, because you are all a cavalcade of f**k-ups. Did I miss anything? PICCOLO: Well, we missed you... DENDE: Good. No, great, that's great! And what do I get out of this? Gonna make me your king? KRILLIN: Well, can't do that. King's a dog. But we can make you God, though! DENDE: The f**k's a God? I mean, the f**k's a dog?! I mean, what the f**k?! MR. POPO: As the creator of the DragonBalls, you shall assume the throne of Kami, guardian of this planet. Nobody is thankful, there are no days off, and no one ever visits. DENDE: Ugh, sounds like being a parent. Fine! I graciously accept the position of your almighty God. TRUNKS: So then you'll help us? DENDE: No, bowlcut! I'm going to help Gohan. Speaking of whom...lovin' the new 'do, Gohan. Rockin' that blonde! GOHAN: Oh! Uh, thanks! Super Saiyan style, you know? DENDE: De-hee-lightful! And, uh, have you been hitting the gym? 'Cause, uh... *whistles* PICCOLO: (off-screen) Ow! DENDE: That hurt me more than it hurt you! PICCOLO: Okay, I'm all for awkward reunions, but we are on a time table, here. How long will it take to make a new dragon? DENDE: Uh, depends. Do you have the original sculpture around? MR. POPO: (hands Dende a sculpture of Shenron) Here it is. We were using it as a paperweight. Which reminds me. We'll need to go over the contract later. DENDE: Wow, that's your dragon? Our dragon would literally wear him like a scarf! Okay, before I get started, any alterations? PICCOLO: Can we get three wishes? DENDE: Not if you want multi-res! I can give you two, though. PICCOLO: Seems like an...awkward number. DENDE: It's a magical wish-granting dragon, Nail! I don't make the rules! Now...let us begin. (holds out both hands over the sculpture) KRILLIN: Man, all this lore we're learning today! And we even get to see a new dragon being made! This is gonna be awe-- DENDE: Hey, dragon! Wake the f*** up! It's already past noon, get your life together! (a light erupts from the sculpture, which splits into seven streams and flies off from The Lookout, with one of them being seen landing on a stone, turning it back into a DragonBall) By the way, two wishes means I had to nix immortality. Better that way--nobody pulling anymore of that Freeza shit. GOHAN: Huh, I wonder if that'll upset Vegeta? Wait, did you say he's still in the chamber? TRUNKS: Yeah, why? GOHAN: It's been three days! MR. POPO: Oh. I muted the time dilation in the chamber. One day out here is now one day in there. GOHAN: You can do that? Why did you do that? MR. POPO: Because f**k 'im. DENDE: You really like screwin' with people, don't-cha? MR. POPO: Hmm. Of course, his first mistake was going in alone. PICCOLO: Why, is that bad? (cut to inside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber) VEGETA: ' ''(losing his mind from being alone in the chamber for three days) They called me crazy... They all called me crazy for letting him achieve his perfect form! Well, guess what? I'm gonna get out of here, I'm going to be so much stronger! '''NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ME! ESPECIALLY CELL! RIGHT, NAPPA?! (shows a volleyball with a crude drawing of Nappa's face on it holding on a broom which falls down) How... HOW DARE YOU?! (screams and turns Super Saiyan) (cut to him exiting the chamber all bloody with his clothes tattered) ...Showed him. (cut to Perfect Cell STILL talking to the reporter about his origins) PERFECT CELL: So after everything, he just starts crying! REPORTER: Wow. Like a bitch! PERFECT CELL: And that's what Freeza said! Before he killed him. But, sadly, Vegeta does come back. REPORTER: DragonBalls, right. By the way, does the fat green one come back? 'Cause he's funny. PERFECT CELL: *scoffs* I wish! (cut to Goku's house) GOKU: Hey, Chi-Chi. Please don't be upset, but... CHI-CHI: (sweetly) What is it, sweetheart? GOKU: I'm throwing in the towel. I am tapped. Like, boned dry. You know in those cartoons where the guy in the desert finds a faucet, and it just comes out like, PFFFFF! (dust comes out his mouth) That is me. That is my balls. And speaking of balls, I need to go find the dragon's. CHI-CHI: Oh, Goku, darling, that's fine! I took a test this morning. I'm already pregnant! GOKU: ...HOW?? (cut to inside Capsule Corp. laboratory with Bulma working on 16's cranial structure) DR. BRIEFS: So I told him, "Pull your pants up, man! I'm not that kind of doctor!" (Goku pops in) GOKU: Bulma! Sex makes babies! (baby Trunks coos) BULMA: ...I'm well aware. GOKU: Also, I need the Dragon Radar. BULMA: Tool cabinet in the back, third drawer. GOKU: (checks the cabinet and grabs the Dragon Radar) Awesome! Bee-tee-dubs, we have DragonBalls again. Bye! BULMA: Wait, we didn't have DragonBalls?! (Goku pops out, and after a pause, Bulma goes back to work on 16. Goku suddenly pops back in.) GOKU: Oh, and Chi-Chi's pregnant! BULMA: Oh, my God! Congratulations! (cut to Dende, Gohan, and Krillin on The Lookout) GOHAN: (while working on his homework) Okay, so Article Five says that atrocities can and will be commited in your name, but you can't do anything about it. DENDE: Awesome. But, question: Do I have to answer ALL of these prayers? GOHAN: Well technically, you don't have to answer any of them. DENDE: Thank God! Or, I guess I should start saying...me! GOHAN: That does raise the question... Which do you prefer? Kami, God, or Dende? DENDE: Oh, Gohan... (narrows his eyes) ...you can call me whatever you like! MR. POPO: Well, I'm going to call you Little Green. DENDE: Your funeral. MR. POPO: (literally cracks a smile) I like you. KRILLIN: Don't feel bad, Mr. Popo. I'm his best friend, so that means only I can call him Little Green. Right, Little Gree-- (Dende smacks him in the face with a cane) OOH! DENDE: You will call me Dende! DENDE! SAY IT! SAY MY NAME... KRILLIN: (terrified) Dende! Dende! DENDE: No... (grins evilly and looks up) Super Kami Dende. SEQUENCE STINGER (cut to Perfect Cell finishing up his story to the reporter) PERFECT CELL: So, after I finished humiliating the entire Saiyan royal bloodline, I made my newsroom debut, delivered my immaculate address, and now, here we are. Any more questions? REPORTER: Yeah, um, were the parts about Fake Namek and that Maron girl really necessary to the story? PERFECT CELL: It's called worldbuilding. REPORTER: Right! ...Um, last question: how did you know about the parts you weren't there for? PERFECT CELL: Ah, that's a story for another time, I'm afraid! But for now, I must bid you adieu. REPORTER: Oh. Well, thank you for your time, Perfect Cell. (Perfect Cell frowns and fires a finger beam at the reporter, who screams) PERFECT CELL: Mr. Perfect Cell. OUTRO KAISERNEKO: Hi, there, I'm KaiserNeko! If you wanna see more from us, click any of the fine annotations on the screen! Also, catch the post-release stream at 6 P.M. Central Standard Time at twitch.tv/streamfourstar. Find the link in the description. If you wanna support us monetarily, contribute to our Patreon and thanks to all our current Patrons! And we'll see you all for DBcember! Category:DBZA Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:DragonBall Z Abridged